Tears are only what I am supposed to drink and excrete. I can’t complain my life for being what it is now but neither can I complement it. I am not even in the middle of complaining and complementing. Where do I lie then? Well! I guess no where, where there only exist vacuum ness, no air, no light, no humans and no joy. And it may sound strangely peculiar, that I exactly know where that no where lies, that My Friend! Is inside me, inside my soul, inside my mind and inside my heart. I can’t say that I feel sad, cold, disappointment or angry because that way I am feeling something at least, even non sanguine things. But the only truth is that I feel nothing, nothing at all. The word “feel” itself is not suitable for describing my loneliness; yes it is the nothing which is being lonely, all the time almost all the time.. Because “feel” makes you feel something. Well, then I don’t have the highest wit to describe the no feel that I feel inside me which feels nothing. Insane me! Aren’t I? Always making conversation with my own two beings and the fact is that the topic is always about others, always.
Frustration is also feeling but I feel something higher than frustration. Its loneliness. Being frustrated means acting back to that frustration. But higher frustration is just doing nothing and being lonely and indifferent. I am acquainted with all the good things ha!!! All the good things in this world, but still I am more acquainted with bad things, just bad things. Even worse thing like being indifferent. Trust me! Being indifferent is worse than just being bad!
Many people say loneliness and madness come together. But when I am lonely, I feel mad, real mad, but not in the way that the actual mads of the world think, rather the way that a real mad who creates his/her own world to accompany the loneliness. Yes, it is true. Now, suddenly I realize well! Every one does that just imagine when you are lonely. But the only problem with me is that I keep living in that imagination still being in the sucking damn boring real life and I actually and honestly don’t want to come back. Its like you are pulled by the whole world on one side and you attempt to push them to make them away. At the end your majority dies in front of the real world and you are compelled to return back, to the hell life, a real life..
I can’t talk much about people. I just can’t. I write simple words and simple things, I guess because I never learned hard words just experienced the. Similarly the loneliness that I forever suffer is only the good reason that I can’t judge people because lonesome life is the wholesome life for me, till now at least for me. Words can’t describe life, in course of time life itself describes the words and trust me! That is more fair and worthy dictionary than any good dictionary. I am from where to far where and I am still moving. Only the pace of my movement matters only the pace! My pace is not high, neither low, nor medium its just lonely and alone, absence of mind in presence of body, absence of soul in presence of physique, vacuum ness in the black air and dust, skin and hair have the parallel color and I just walk ahead, move toward, step my one leg in front of other to just meet another lonely mind, another lonely soul, another lonely body, to breathe fresh air and to contrast my skin and hair color! Insane my description may seem to everyone but I just hope that that another soul, another mind, another heart, another body creating another human can make the insane compliments on my insane stupid ideas. Well! Again I am fantasizing, again! The most usual and unusual fact is that I am still lonely and still writing in loneliness, just writing. My pace, my hope, my special person, compliments…… are still to come if only, if only this loneliness has not got the evergreen quality.
I am back to the world I am born to. The world where prevail two wooden sofas, a bed, a TV set, a cassette player, a fan, few make up accessories, two pairs of shoes scattered on the floor covered by the black mattress, a charging laptop on the sofa, books of Shakespeare and critics on the other sofa, jeans scattered on the floor, few photos on the wall and a small closet. Suddenly, something made me realize that I am actually not alone, not at all. All these non living things, they are accompanying me, really they are. Anyone may think I am insane but honestly and strangely they are accompanying me! And also the dead people in the photo and the idea of their aliveness before made me realize that I am not lonely at all, not at all. But the one thing that I sensed the most, I reckoned the most and that I appreciated the most was I was there for me, right there for me, right there. Until and unless I have me for me I can never be alone, never ever forever! I guess, well! I just can only Guess!!!
Frustration is also feeling but I feel something higher than frustration. Its loneliness. Being frustrated means acting back to that frustration. But higher frustration is just doing nothing and being lonely and indifferent. I am acquainted with all the good things ha!!! All the good things in this world, but still I am more acquainted with bad things, just bad things. Even worse thing like being indifferent. Trust me! Being indifferent is worse than just being bad!
Many people say loneliness and madness come together. But when I am lonely, I feel mad, real mad, but not in the way that the actual mads of the world think, rather the way that a real mad who creates his/her own world to accompany the loneliness. Yes, it is true. Now, suddenly I realize well! Every one does that just imagine when you are lonely. But the only problem with me is that I keep living in that imagination still being in the sucking damn boring real life and I actually and honestly don’t want to come back. Its like you are pulled by the whole world on one side and you attempt to push them to make them away. At the end your majority dies in front of the real world and you are compelled to return back, to the hell life, a real life..
I can’t talk much about people. I just can’t. I write simple words and simple things, I guess because I never learned hard words just experienced the. Similarly the loneliness that I forever suffer is only the good reason that I can’t judge people because lonesome life is the wholesome life for me, till now at least for me. Words can’t describe life, in course of time life itself describes the words and trust me! That is more fair and worthy dictionary than any good dictionary. I am from where to far where and I am still moving. Only the pace of my movement matters only the pace! My pace is not high, neither low, nor medium its just lonely and alone, absence of mind in presence of body, absence of soul in presence of physique, vacuum ness in the black air and dust, skin and hair have the parallel color and I just walk ahead, move toward, step my one leg in front of other to just meet another lonely mind, another lonely soul, another lonely body, to breathe fresh air and to contrast my skin and hair color! Insane my description may seem to everyone but I just hope that that another soul, another mind, another heart, another body creating another human can make the insane compliments on my insane stupid ideas. Well! Again I am fantasizing, again! The most usual and unusual fact is that I am still lonely and still writing in loneliness, just writing. My pace, my hope, my special person, compliments…… are still to come if only, if only this loneliness has not got the evergreen quality.
I am back to the world I am born to. The world where prevail two wooden sofas, a bed, a TV set, a cassette player, a fan, few make up accessories, two pairs of shoes scattered on the floor covered by the black mattress, a charging laptop on the sofa, books of Shakespeare and critics on the other sofa, jeans scattered on the floor, few photos on the wall and a small closet. Suddenly, something made me realize that I am actually not alone, not at all. All these non living things, they are accompanying me, really they are. Anyone may think I am insane but honestly and strangely they are accompanying me! And also the dead people in the photo and the idea of their aliveness before made me realize that I am not lonely at all, not at all. But the one thing that I sensed the most, I reckoned the most and that I appreciated the most was I was there for me, right there for me, right there. Until and unless I have me for me I can never be alone, never ever forever! I guess, well! I just can only Guess!!!
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